Welcome, cats, kittens and other assorted members of the Zoo, and welcome to the first Sunday Supplement of the new year. Now you may be wondering about the gap in time between this one and the last one. Laziness, mostly, is the answer, but also a factor is the recently celebrated one year anniversary of myself and her loveliness, the Lady Ms. Cewsh of the neighboring Cewshinwillows. Now much goes into any wedding, and ours was no different, and since it is weddings that have cost many of us a perfectly good afternoon, it’s weddings that I’ll offer up to make it all better.
There have been a ton of weddings in the history of professional wrestling. Some of them were serious and romantic, some of them were ridiculous and comical, and some of them were just downright odd. Here today, we’ll celebrate all of the above, and name the definitive list of Cewsh Reviews’ Top 5 Weddings of All Time.
Edge has not had a lot of luck with the ladies.
Now granted he has seemingly nailed everything with a pulse from here to Saskatchewan, but when it comes to weddings, he doesn’t do so hot. On this magical July evening, he and his stable La Familia sat at a table all through Smackdown waiting to celebrate the big day at the end of the show, but just before they were able to finish out the show as a married couple, Triple H showed up to ruin everything (because he’s a dick like that), showing that Edge totally nailed their wedding planner (who turned out to be Alicia Fox).
Needless to say, Vickie Guerrero was not pleased, screaming at the top of her lungs in a way that would make her the hero of bridezillas everywhere.
Ah, the very first gay wedding in wrestling history.
When the media got ahold of that, they had a field day talking about how tolerant it was of WWE, and all kinds of gay rights leaders came out to laud Vince McMahon for displaying this act in such a positive fashion, and then they all ate their words like a PB and J when Billy and Chuck actually balked at getting married, claimed they weren’t gay and had been staging the whole thing, and the priest ripped off his old man makeup to reveal that it was none other than Eric Bischoff, who had Three Minute Warning annihilate everyone, and the started making out with Stephanie McMahon like it was going out of style.
It just goes to show. Trusting WWE to handle a controversial topic sensitively, is like trusting Jar Jar Binks to deliver a serious and compelling monologue. In the end, nobody wins. Except me.
BREASTS
Aside from being boobylicious, this wedding is important because it was smack dab in the middle of the whole Matt Hardy/Edge/Lita craziness, and they took full advantage, even playing his music to the shock of the crowd, before laughing about it to the fans. The odd thing is that even though they were acknolwedging the whole Matt Hardy thing, they also went with the “Lita spurned Kane after he raped her and beat up Matt Hardy so Lita is somehow a heel” storyline, which included Gene Snitsky reading a touching poem, and Kane poking his head out through the canvas much to the dismay of the justice of the peace.
Classic moments, classic comedy, and BREASTS.
Possibly the single most soap operay moment in professional wrestling history. Test and Stephanie are going to wed in the middle of the ring after months of build up, only for Triple H to show up and show a video of him drugging and marrying Stephanie McMahon in Vegas the night before!
The reactions of the McMahons and the amusing reaction from Test (look at that picture!) are priceless enough, but the real value was revealed in the months after that, as Triple H used his newfound family ties to manipulate the entire WWE, and Stephanie revealed herself to be the evil power hungry bitch the show needed to go to the next level. What followed was some of the best storylines in wrestling history, and it was all touched off because somebody decided to let Triple H show up to Stephanie’s bachelor party.
Which is why Ms. Cewsh had hers at a nunnery.
Other weddings were funner, and other weddings were crazier, and other weddings were more eventful, but the union of Randy Savage and Elizabeth and Summerslam 91 was one of the rare truly special moments in professional wrestling where something happens that you can actually feel good about.
Whatever happened to these two in the years since that day (drugs, death and rap albums galore), they will always be preserved perfectly as they were on that day in the memories of millions of fans around the world. And ultimately, as I cruise towards my wedding, that’s the kind of thing I want to end this list thinking about. How love and spectacle can combine to make a magical, unforgettable moment.
…did I say I was ending it there? Not without this!
The bride and the groom were both in their underwear. For the bride, that was a very good thing. For the groom it is something so unpleasant as to be the stuff of legend.
But hey, he got to sex Dawn Marie until he died of a heart attack and I haven’t yet. so, you know, got to give the guy credit.
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